I’ve come to a disturbing realization today… I’ll explain.
You may not be a JLO fan, also known as, Jennifer Lopez, and that’s fine, I actually am not a fan of any of her acting work. She’s a serial over-actor. However, her figure has always been, in my opinion, what a woman is supposed to look like. In my mind a woman has hips, she has curves, she carries herself with an unspoken confidence, her figure is full and voluptuous. Now… don’t you dare laugh, but I’ve always easily channeled by inner JLO.
Yep… I have.
You know how some women look in the mirror and see their flaws? Well, I don’t have that. On the opposite, what I’ve struggled with is an inflated (arguably unrealistic) self image. Many a times, I’ve started a diet and 24-hours later, once I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I’m convinced I’ve lost 10 Lbs. I’ve always been this way. I’ll work out for 30-minutes, just one time, and think all of my muscles are showing. I'd be the lady rocking the leggings and a cut-off shirt if it wasn’t for an acute awareness of being/dressing modestly.
The day of my daughter’s wedding, was my first real red flag. JLO should’ve been there. I really did look beautiful, I’ve seen the pictures. Well, she wasn’t. I never once did the, “DAYUUUM I LOOK GOOD” which is usually par-for-the-course when I dress up. I’ve always been my own hype-man. She wasn’t there.
I’ve gone to the salon to get a new haircut and been styled: she wasn’t there for that either.
Nails done: nothing. Even did my favorite shade of fire-engine red and matching toes. It didn’t matter, she wasn’t there.
Curled my hair and put makeup on, put on some new clothes: silence. Not even the double glance in the mirror.
Well today, just thinking about my struggles with food, and finding motivation, and getting healthier it hit me. Like a truck. I haven’t REALLY looked at myself since my husband passed. So, I did what any normal person would do, headed to the bathroom to look at my reflection. and… I think she’s gone. My inner JLO is gone. She has left the building.
Don’t get me wrong… I don’t see flaws, but I see reality. I’m just… blah. I’m … normal.
Could the blow of losing my person been so violent that it changed my perspective about myself?
I think back to when I’ve had dark times in the kingdom, and even then, JLO was still always there… I could always hype myself up. Talk myself into feeling stronger, more put together, etc… this is different. I’m in foreign territory. I think I’ve lost my super power.
Time will tell.