It’s funny the things one discovers when we pay attention.
For me, lately, it’s been, me. I know how crazy that may sound, but let me explain. It’s not that I lost myself when my husband passed, it’s that a part of me went with him. And, it was a part of me that I really liked.
Back in 2014, I walked through a different type of grief. Not for a spouse, but for the demise of my family, a divorce is a death of a different sort. When that happens you go through a period of mourning too, but I swear the motivation to thrive, to get your kids taken care of, to not be consumed… makes the experience so different. It sounds really messed up, but anger and betrayal, are incredible engines and instigators that help thrust a human into action. PLUS… the “me” that was lost as a result of the divorce wasn’t a version of my identity that I really liked or respected. I was quite content to not be that guy’s wife.
The current grief is different. Now, thankfully my family remains intact. This blended family is MY family, and I’m so very grateful for it. I am specifically mourning the loss of my husband. The kids are mourning losing a dad, a friend, a teacher, a leader, all of those things: but WE remain a family . In addition to mourning my spouse, I’m grieving the loss of my identity as his wife, that’s the version of “me” I’m writing about. A role that I savored and excelled in. That, “me” was exactly who I always wanted to be. A bride who was cared for, loved, and cherished. A bride who was a suitable helper to her groom. My husband allowed a part of me that I never knew even existed ,to flourish. My divine design on display because I was loved as a bride should be.
That’s the “me” that’s no longer here. And, I really liked her.
I was a good bride to my husband.
So, now what?
Now, I cling to Christ and my identity in HIM. Something that will never change.
My husband gave me such a beautiful gift: He demonstrated for me and our children exactly what a groom should be. A preview of what’s to come, if I really believe scripture.
But once again, my humanity gets in the way. If I’m being vulnerable and transparent, part of what I’m walking through, put simply, is this: The “me” I want, is to be Chris’s wife. Therefore, I’m not allowing the “me” that I am, as the bride of Christ, to take root.
This loss of identity is part of losing your person, I get that, I’ve read that. But the real {in my bones} faith of who I am in Christ and the fact that if I’m here, it’s for HIM… is the truth that I’m fighting.
Jesus wept, knowing that He’d raise His friend from the grave. Jesus wept, knowing the ending and the beginning to everything. Jesus wept, when HE knew eternity and God’s eternal plan.
I want to be clear… I know to extend grace to myself. But I will continue to write about my struggles for 1 HUGE reason. Because, we all struggle, just some of us do it in silence, and that’s ok. I choose to write about mine. Why? Because if God’s grace is sufficient for me, and HE still shows me mercy (a sinner that doubts and struggles constantly) then, HIS grace and mercy is sufficient for you too.
I’m grateful that God is patient with me and long-suffering because people, I’m a hot mess.