I wouldn't say I'm fascinated with death, but I would say I've made peace with it.
Of all the principles and concepts included in the Bible the idea behind what happens after one dies provided me with the greatest peace. If I'm called home there's no question of where I'll be and most importantly who I'll be with. My struggle with death is always with those who are left behind. I've met the mom who had to bury her baby and my heart breaks for her, for the family, the siblings and daddy, but not the baby. That sweet baby was shown the most immense of mercies. They will never have to deal with the trials and tribulations that this world inevitably offers. They will never have to skin their knee, or have their heart broken, or be diagnosed with an illness. However, the immense grief that is left behind is what truly cripples me. Please do not get me wrong I understand that God's grace is sufficient and the peace He provides surpasses all understanding; yet the overwhelming sense of loss must feel insurmountable at times.
I'm always humbled when I celebrate the birthdays of my babies, because I understand what a gift I've been given. I've been allowed to kiss their knees, and comfort them in their pain and stand alongside them during their trials. We're told, constantly, that everyday is a gift, but do we actually live that way? Do we really approach every aspect of our day as if it were our last? Tomorrow isn't a guarantee to any of us and yet we're so very good at squandering today.
When I was a kid, I always believed I wouldn't make it past 36. I remember the day I turned 37 and how confused I was. I thought that maybe He had given me just a little longer because I had done such a thorough job of messing up while I was here. That maybe I had to stick around a bit more because I hadn't taught or led my kids to Him enough. Or, perhaps that there was still a chapter in my story that He wanted me to write. I didn't understand it, but I welcomed it. I don't know why exactly I always thought He'd call me home sooner rather than later, but I did. I wasn't trying to speed up the process in anyway or anything nor do I intend to, and yet that feeling has never subsided. IF... I get called home I know exactly where I'll be. I know who I'll be with... and it will be glorious. But it's the ones I'd leave behind that kicks my butt. It's my kids, my husband, siblings, nephews, parents that my heart aches for. I have this elaborate request for them upon my passing. It's like an adventure I'm sending them on, in the hopes that they will not only come together to make it happen but find themselves laughing hysterically and the total absurdity of what I've asked for. Heck, I think about it and it makes me smile... every time.
God's grace is sufficient, He is enough.
The ultimate test of faith is to be in the thick of the worst possible moment this life can bring and say, God gives and God takes but I choose to bless His name, regardless.
Not sure why I wanted to post this, to be honest, but I wanted to share with anyone that ever reads this that if (IF) you, reading this now, have had to say goodbye to someone you love that I understand. That I'm so very sorry for your loss, but we both know there are no words on this earthly plain that can ever comfort you.
So... I'll leave you all with my request (hopefully it makes you smile).
Upon my untimely demise, I want my remains cremated. (Please do not leave me any comments or messages about how you think I'm damning my soul by not being buried. My understanding is that this body is but a shell, my soul will be exactly where it should.) Once cremated I'd like my family to take a trip to Disney World in Orlando, FL, my favorite place on earth. I want them to park in the ticket and transportation center and get on the ferry that takes you to Magic Kingdom. There, while crossing 7 seas lagoon, I want my ashes cast overboard. If my husband has to carry this out, I've instructed him to yell, "Stay gold pony boy" once he throws my ashes overboard. I'd then like my loved ones to place a headstone, wherever they want, and it must read, "I told you people I was sick"... regardless of how I was taken home, that's what I want it to say.
See, the way I figure it... they'll end up inside the Magic Kingdom and who can really be sad there? If they need to visit a headstone for their own grieving process, they'll have that too, but who can look at that engraving and not giggle?
Death sucks. The separation it leaves is a never healing hole in our hearts, so... why not make those I love the most, laugh?
Since initially making this request to a dear friend whom I love, I've actually found out that it's a big and I mean BIG no, no to dump ashes in 7 Seas Lagoon... but that makes it even funnier and more of an adventure, and by "no, no" ... I've heard arrests may happen. Oh well... I won't be there!
Stay gold pony boy!