One of the more challenging aspects of a marriage 2.0 is that there are people getting mixed up here that never really asked to have anything in their lives changed to begin with. That’s right, the kids. I can go on and on about the challenges that come with being a step-parent. But I’m not. I’m going to try my best to see this through the eyes of the kid. Namely, an older kid, like the 3 big kids that were involved in my particular instance. I’m not really going to discuss the youngest, because honestly, he was so young that he doesn’t even remember when me and his dad were together. I write that, and it hurts my heart a bit. My son, one of my children, has no idea that a time existed when me and his dad were married. I mean, he’s seen pictures but because he hasn’t lived it, it’s not real to him.
On the other hand, the 3 big kids… these kids grew up in homes with mom and dad. They had front row seats to tense moments, to the end, to maybe hearing someone cry; but, and this is where it gets sticky, they also had front row seats to the good times, the stolen kisses, the laughter, the inside jokes. Our children may recall the bad but they sure recall the good as well.
If you are a parent of a teenager who is now venturing down this path of remarriage, 2.0 or 3.0, we must understand and make peace with the fact that we need to die to ourselves. I’ll explain: we cannot want our kids to forget those very special good moments between us and our former spouse. You know why? Because that, former spouse, that ex-husband/ ex-wife, is their mom, or their dad. The good moments between their mom and dad are as relevant to our older children as the bad moments are to you. Your desire to be right, has to die. I’d rather be a good mom, mourning the death of my child’s family, alongside them, regardless of how it affects me, than to be the righteous person who constantly feels the need to justify the ending of my marriage.
Are you picking up the differences? They’re subtle… It’s, “my marriage” compared to, “their family” … or “my former spouse” but to them it’s “their dad” or “their mom” … my “righteous reason”, is literally, the reason their mom and dad aren’t together anymore… that reason sucks! Regardless, of how “right” it is, it sucks for them.
Parents, we need to be mindful of this, especially when we are in the roll of step-parent. Again, talking about the teenagers. They didn’t want mom and dad to split up, they didn’t want “visitation agreements” they didn’t want to keep stuff in two different homes, none of this… is what they wanted. None of it. Yet, society tells us that it’s “normal” for kids to have step-parents. It’s not, and anyone in my position will tell you that it’s a lot of things, but “normal” ain’t one of them.
I can’t imagine being our kids, the older ones 4 years ago they would have been 15, 12, and 14 when their worlds completely changed. Everything they knew their entire lives was ripped apart, and they had front row seats. My big kids struggled when they finally met my husband and we went slow! They made it hell for him, for over a year. I, on the other-hand, didn’t have it so badly. My step-son was significantly more accepting of me than my older kids were of his dad. I always felt like my husband got the crap-end of the deal but seeing where we are today, we had to let them each process this ... US... however they needed to.
The challenge to the those in the trenches of second marriages (2.0 or 3.0) is that you need to allow your kids to remember those good times. We all do it, when we're thinking of those we've lost due to death or separation. For instance, when I think of those who’ve died, my grandparents in particular, I think of the cool memories I had with them. Remembering those good times shared, brings me comfort. Therefore, allow your kids to remember their family, that died, the same way. New spouse, don’t be so self-conscious and weak that you’re bothered by memories that are part of the person you love’s history. It’s not their present, and this is not about you. We need to allow our kids to remember the good times and work through the bad times. It’s part of them working through their stuff.
That’s what I meant by dying to yourself. Hey, I get it… you feel like the bad out weighs the good. Or the grievance is so very severe that to speak of any good moments, or re-live those family vacations, or talk about that “one-time" adventure, would somehow diminish the severity of the
grievance. Here’s a secret… it doesn’t. But, you allow your children to re-live moments in their world that meant the world… and you, scorned partner, let that happen. Marry someone that’s ok with all the older kids allowing that to happen. A marriage 2.0 with older children, has NO room for insecurities.
Step-parenting is hard, but bottom line is, if you're a step-parent that means you're full on marriage 2.0, correct? That also needs to mean that you've healed, you are beyond pointing out your former spouses wrongs and how they pertain to the demise of you all's marriage. It's now time to come together with the person you're married to, and help those older kids heal too. Yes, part of that process may be, reliving moments that you are now not so comfortable reliving. Too bad. You need to get over it, because your kids didn't ask for this. You may now be lovers in love with your new spouse, but your children only ever knew you in the context of their other parent, allow them to process a new home, a new family dynamic, and struggling with the guilt associated with creating new "family" memories when one of their parents (who was present for every other "family" memory) is no longer there. A second marriage is going to come with baggage, however, the baggage will seem significantly heavier if you choose to ignore the young adults involved. How their life was devastated by no fault of their own, and how they didn't pick you as a life partner, and how now they're not even allowed to reminisce of the life they had before. They are aware of the ending... there's no need to constantly remind them, give them the permission to mourn their family.
Divorce isn't normal. It's ugly and it's not good. Can God use ugly and not good? Of course! That's His thing. I'm just respectfully pointing out, that our teenagers may process marriage 2.0 in their own way and at their own pace. As long as there's love, everything will work out. Love God, love your spouse, love the kids, and love the gift that, that kid is to your family... by being grateful for the other parent that is a part of their life.