I was called out, in love, by a dear friend this past weekend for allowing a type of poisoned limb to infect my tree of peace. And they are right. Since becoming a believer, I’ve had my share of obstacles and challenges but every step of the way God has granted me peace and comfort. For the first time in years that peace is being threatened. But simply put, because I’m allowing it to be.
This post serves no purpose except to give people a look behind the curtain. In a world filled with social media posts that only present the “truth” we want people to see, I’ll offer you transparency. Not for your sake, but for mine. Because I know the God I serve, the one worthy of all glory and honor and praise. Because of HIM I can put my flaws and struggles on display so that the world can see how HE can be glorified even in a hot mess like me.
And that… gives me the peace I covet with every ounce of my being.
I know I’m nuts. In the most mamma-bear-protect-my-cubs kind of a way. I’m nuts, in how I expect the worst from people 100% of the time. I’m nuts, in how I do not trust anyone. BUT I love. I choose love, constantly, and in choosing love I make myself vulnerable. Vulnerable to hurt and betrayal and torment. The people I love are parts of my heart; therefore, my heart is easier to break that way, outside of my body and roaming around without the rest of me to protect it…protect them.
This is where I find myself. I have chosen to love some humans that are tethered to a toxic human being, and I witness how that toxicity is damaging those I hold dear. AND… I’m powerless and impotent.
My sinful nature is raging! Thrashing against my skin on a constant and unrelenting assault to be set free and return to what I am to my core: a vindictive-fowl-mouthed-angry woman, a merciless woman. A woman that will viciously tear into anyone that is hurting what I love. A woman whose words are venomous and at-the-ready to ignite the fire needed to burn everyone and everything down. That’s me guys. That villain of all villains is what I need to fight against every day and every night. And once in a while I get tired.
I get tired of fighting because it feels good to lash out, if I’m being honest. To not control that chained up beast that used to roam free. To not quiet that mean-spirited voice that used to never filter words through a funnel of love. That insatiable appetite to destroy what is hurting those I love. I get tired because my sinful nature just doesn’t want to fight, it wants to be free.
The temptation to not show restraint and self-control is enormous. The temptation to lash out and be impulsive and ravenous feels insurmountable at times. BUT GOD… For the sake of HE who saved me, I fight. I fight against myself and what I want to do. Because a long time ago I made a choice, and everyday since, I make a choice; a choice to love, a choice to die to myself. I make the choice to be peculiar. I make the choice to seek HIM and HIS righteousness above everything.
Therefore, I find myself here. In the midst of a battle within myself to not react to external circumstances. As much as I’d like to blame that toxicity that is external, it is my internal struggle that is threatening my peace. It is my allowance of the metaphorical cancer attacking my loved ones to continue on their self-destructive path and NOT react, but continue to demonstrate restraint and self-control. Because if I know anything about anything it’s that He who lives in me is greater then he who lives in this world.
Love covers a multitude of sins. I thank God daily for that truth because the sin that lurks in the dark recesses of my nature can only be calmed by HIS love.
I cannot control what is hurting those I love, but I can control the impact I allow those circumstances to have on me and the relationships I hold dear. I control my reaction and will be held accountable for that.
I know I write a lot about parenting but if I’m being transparent the choice to follow Christ and die to myself and my sinful nature is the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to endure. It’s a fine line between righteous anger and wrath, a line I cannot cross. Christ sat down and braided the whip he used to kick out the money changers in His Father’s house, he demonstrated self-control even in the face of righteous anger. An excellent lesson for me, personally.
No es facil, caballero. (translated: it’s not easy, people)