In one of the support groups I’m in a very interesting question was posed: What has this grief journey taught you so far?
What a great question, right? It invites the opportunity to reflect on an event that probably rocked your world, I know that it did mine. In the 17-months since I’ve lost my husband, that’s the first time I’ve been invited to reflect on this experience. So… here’s what I’ve learned, so far:
Mentally, I’m not as strong as I think I am. I turned into a frail and broken shell of the person that I was. The overwhelming emotions that came with losing my person, proved to be too much for me. That wave was too intense for me to wrap my head around. I wish I could change so much of those first 2-weeks after his death, but I can’t. Instead, I live everyday in utter gratitude for the village around me. My children, my family, friends, and my church family; they all have displayed their love for me even when I was pretty darn unlovable.
Mentally, God can put the most cracked shells back together. Yeah, I learned that I can break, but I’m living proof that God can heal and redeem. The King of Kings put this very cracked Humpty Dumpty back together again. He’s still in the restoration business, and He’s good at it.
Life goes on. That may seem like a no brainer, and trivial, but in the thick of grief, your sphere of time is standing still. It’s in what’s going on around you, that reminds you of this pesky concept of time. Life “going on” happens, whether you want it to, or not. In my soul, I froze, for a time. But, life went on. I didn’t want to. I felt like everyday that passed, was just one more day without him. I resented it. Until… I didn’t. This is still difficult, but regardless of me wrestling with this concept, life goes on.
We don’t just feel 1 thing. I can be both sad and filled with joy, at the same time. One emotion does not trump the other. Call it duality, dichotomous, whatever; it’s real, and it’s how I experience life now. Seeing both the beauty and the sorrow in every life experience and feeling it all, at the same time.
I’ve learned that grief is NOT one size fits all. How my grandmother existed after my grandfather died may look NOTHING like my experience, and that’s ok. Grief is unique to each person, and to each situation. I cannot compare my journey with another widow’s, it WILL BE different. I cannot compare my loss with another person’s loss. I should not assume that another’s grief journey is being traveled the way I’m traveling mine, and all of that, is ok.
I’ve learned that the kindest thing we can do for another human is sit with them.
I always knew I loved pictures, but I’ve learned how important they are to the people left behind. I’ve learned to record the stupid stuff, take the pictures, save the emails, relish that aspect of technology because some day, my kids and grandkids will be looking at them and enjoying moments with me, even though, I’m not around.
Do not put stuff off. Your “bucket list” should be a “to-do” list. Smoke the cigar, drink the drink, eat the cake, go to the fancy restaurant, go on an adventure … if God has blessed you with resources, use them. Be generous with your time, your money, your love. You cannot take anything with you, but the memories you make with those you love, those live on. They really freaking do. The beautiful memories I have with my husband are a gift! I treasure those more than any worldly possession I own or can ever own.
I’ve learned that sometimes people with the best intentions can say really stupid things. Let it go.
I’ve learned that my husband was one of the best people I ever met in my life. He LIVED. He rode the bucking-bronco-of-life with gusto. He laughed loudly. He sang in public. He danced with me, even when he had no clue what he was doing. He’d say, “I’ll try anything once, and if I like it, twice” and he meant it. He was spontaneous with adventures, but calculated in investments and managing our resources. He loved the Lord and had so much knowledge of scripture that it was fun to nerd out with him and have these deep theological conversations. I’ve learned that God blessed me and my children with the experience of knowing Chris, and the privilege of being loved by him. I hate, that I have to do endure the rest of my life without him, but I’m reminded everyday, that our meeting, our falling in love, our marriage, our blended family, our challenges, and our victories… they were all gifts. Gifts that I will treasure for the rest of my days.
Grief is not the teacher I wish for you, dear reader. It sucks.
But God.
I can write this today because God pulled me out of a pit. Because daily HE levels me. Daily HE sustains me. I know that my purpose is to honor and glorify God and I pray that I can do half the job my husband did. He pointed me to the Lord while he was alive, and in his death he’s managed to do the same.
Grateful to have reflected on what I’ve learned, so far, traveling down this grief road.