“Have a baby,” they said, “it’ll be fun,” they said.
See, the thing with babies is, they grow up. They get older and they are still yours. I have the distinct privilege of being a mom to a 19 year-old young woman, 15 year-old young man, I have a 17 year-old step-son, and a 7 year-old evil genius. Quite the cast of characters, who now allow me to better assess this whole, “parenting thing”… and as a public service I’ll try my best to unpack what I’ve learned thus far for you in the most unscientific way possible.
First, let’s begin with the babies. This, believe it or not, will pass. The sleepless nights, stinky diapers, incoherent (sometimes incessant) crying, the inability to communicate effectively with this little human that you really do love: And if he or she is your first, it’s in this, soul-crushing consuming love kind-of-a-way. With your second, third, etc… you know that fierce love is coming, but that first one, when you look at that little sucker, it floors you a bit. AND… for some of us, we loved them in that same intense way while they were still growing inside us. You didn’t even think you had that in you. This baby stage, is by far the cutest. It’s filled with a bunch of firsts, some scary stuff, you may visit a children’s hospital, you’re gonna freak out when they eat something not on the pediatrician’s schedule. You are even going to make some tough parenting decisions; things you will wholeheartedly believe, impact the rest of their lives. However, this stage, as physically exhausting and adorable as it is, is for a limited time only. You’re literally going to blink and just when you think you’ve got this down, handled, you made “baby years” your (rhymes with witch); it’s over. You move on to the, not quite a baby, not quite a little kid phase.
This second chapter is also a short one, and still very physically demanding for you. They are going to get into all kinds of stuff, chances are, you’ve learned all the nurses names at the pediatrician’s office by now. This, “I’m not a baby” time-period is usually found around 2ish through 5/6ish (I know, really scientific) and it is filled with the witnessing of your little person’s inherent personality, their developing sense of humor, and getting an indication of their possible temperament. You’ll buy fun books about pre-schools, research those schools and cringe at all the YouTube videos of caretakers beating the crap out of little kids. I loved this stage because it was filled with such fun conversations. They’re going to ask you all kinds of questions, possibly repeat stuff at the worst possible time in front of people you wish never knew how you really felt about them. It’s fun. This stage though, is probably the coolest if you want it to be. You’re really bonding now. You understand them (most-of-the-time) you don’t have to carry so much crap anymore so it’s not a total pain in the butt to go out with them and the best part, you’re planting the seed of limits (hopefully). This stage should (should being the operative word) be a time for laying out the ground work of what’s right and what’s wrong: Do not throw your food, do not bite, do not talk back, teaching them how to pray, how to say, “please” and “thank you” etc. This, “I’m not a baby, momma” phase is prime real estate for seed planting. What do I mean? They are fertile ground to plant the seeds of love, forgiveness, faith, discipline, acceptance and all the good stuff in-between. But, with as marvelous as this stage feels the next one is my favorite. The little kid phase.
This third, little kid phase is awesome. It’s a time frame that’s different for each kid, and can on occasion last a bit longer depending on your family’s geographic location. My experience is that years 7-11 are THE BEST!!! See, if you did a pretty good job in the second act, this part of the show is wonderful. However, and I’ll insert the warning here, the looming dark cloud is coming, this is the calm before the storm; therefore, enjoy it. You will not be as physically drained as you’ve been, but you will still be challenged. Mostly, in the area of school. During this time you’ll figure out what kind of student you have on your hands. Even though school is a big part of your kid’s life during this time, you as the momma or daddy are still the stars of the show. Your little people during this time still are being taught right from wrong, what pleases their parents and teachers, they are learning about rewards and hopefully consequences. They are exerting independence but mindful of the limits they’ve been educated on. They are eager to learn more about this huge world that they are a part of and are so much fun to be around. I can go on and on about these years because this time is really my most-loved phase. Take advantage of it, play with them, enjoy them, and rest, because there is a storm abrewin’.
The forth and feisty stage is the, “but my friend said” years. I’m not really sure when it begins but it lasts through the teen years. I know society/ science has broken this down to tween, and teen… but it’s all the same crap. It’s going to feel like a never-ending cycle of crazy. Some days (even years) are fantastic, some are hell, and others will be filled with conversations that seem like mindless chatter; but pay attention, because in some of that chatter you’ll find a roadmap that will show possible pitfalls, bad choices, questionable friends, and romantic interests. Like when spies listen to chatter… yes, just like that. This is also the beginning of your mental olympics phase. You remember how tired you were when they were babies? Oh honey… that was nothing. You will have days (maybe years) where the mental exhaustion is crippling. They will get themselves in all kinds of messes during this time, but, believe it or not, they still listen. You throw stuff at them and are hoping that something sticks. This phase comes with challenges that maybe never existed when you were their age, for instance, social media, be that as it may, you will have to engage and learn stuff too. Yet, it also comes with the same ol’ timeless crap we all had to go through: their body changing, the bullies, the cool kids, the jocks, the nerds, the affluent, the struggle to fit-in and the delinquents (think, Breakfast Club). Their friends become increasingly more important to them as you travel down this stage and you, parent, will have less and less influence the closer you get to 18. Then… there is the dreaded, invasion of the body snatchers period of time.
The invasion of the body snatchers time is a dark, dark period. Again, I cannot pin point when it happens or even how long that hell-on-earth will endure, but it comes out of nowhere. It’s a phase within a phase. While they’re teenagers, and if you’re lucky it won’t last long. But, one day they are kissing you goodbye and the next they want to slam doors. Now, parent… I know you’re tired, but don’t give up! That alien that now inhabits that human being you love will not live there forever. Your goal, during this hard and turbulent time, is to not let the alien win. Good luck, and see you on the other side.
Finally, the other side. Your beloved baby is now an “adult”. What? No…. Science tells us adolescence lasts till they’re 24. BUT… once they graduate high school our babies are going off to college, headed to the military, or beginning to work full-time (hopefully). Whatever path they choose, parenting morphs into this indescribable murky pool of doubt and helplessness. The scope of influence on your “adult child” is limited, your ability to kind-of sort-of control their social circles in many instances completely vanishes. It’s a time of paralysis for me. So I’ve got 1 adult child now and it’s a mess. I want to protect her and shield her, but I just can’t. And I feel inept and useless. See, during the phases of parenting that I have completed, I’ve used 1 standard mode of operation: It’s just always been a very hands-on role. At this point, that’s over, and I’m left with the constant wonder if I’ve done enough. Did I teach enough? Did I warn her enough? Did I open her eyes to both the ugliness and beauty of this world, enough? No clue. It’s the worst return on investment ever. You invest 18 years, college tuition, a first car and then… you wait. You wait for a return on investment. BTW, you never know if you did good enough. It’s all very obscure and undefined. I’m learning that I don’t do well with those types of measures. On the other side, my parenting role has evolved into that of a consuliari. I’m asked about taxes and stalking laws, needless to say, I’m being stretched.
I know my mom has mentioned that parenting never ends, but I can’t attest to that yet. I don’t know how my role will continue to adjust as years progress and my adult children encounter the challenges we all do. I know I hurt when they hurt so I can easily imagine that, that will continue everyday for the rest of my life regardless of how old they are.
I do not pretend to know everything there is about being a mom. I hope my kids can someday let me know how I did. You know, maybe when they are in the thick of it with their own kids. We’ll see. After a challenging day, I sit and break down the little I do know about being a mom and can’t help but to think of what I know about God’s relationship with us. His kids. We’re a mess! Yet, He’s there, every second of every day giving us this limitless grace to endure, and His grace is sufficient. We wake up the next day and keep going. When we make really stupid decisions we will have our consequences to face, but He’s there… still loving, still teaching (if we want to learn), still forgiving, still showing mercy and still disciplining. He really is the perfect dad even to us silly adults. So… my personal conclusion is to strive to be more like Him, and to model as many of His attributes that I can muster in my sinful state and to my sinful children. Sure, being a parent is the hardest job in the world, it’s definitely not for the faint of heart, and yet, I’d still choose the same path with my same players. Does that make me crazy, of course! But so what?! We’re all a little nuts… on the other side.