“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” Psalm 139:13-16 ESV
I thought about this last night, and I was overcome with that kind of unspeakable, undefinable peace that brings tears to your eyes. I pray, that if you are reading this and are grieving the loss of someone you love, that it bring you peace as well.
I was getting out of the shower last night, and the above verses flooded my thoughts. I pondered the truth behind, ‘everyday has been written’. God, when HE formed my husband, ordained 49 years, 18,221 days that he’d live on earth, right? Those were written, before he lived even 1.
My husband and I, I’ve said this before, lived lifetimes before God brought us together. We both married very young that first time, and we both, unfortunately, knew what betrayal was, and the devastation and heart-break associated with divorce. Neither he or I ever thought we’d be divorced people.
When God brought us together, we had the choice, of course, to pursue a relationship or not. I’m eternally grateful that we chose each other. In God’s beautiful providence, and a gift of HIS grace, we enjoyed a marriage, a friendship, a relationship that honored God. We spoke about it often, how our relationship elevated both of our understandings about God’s perfect design for marriage. We both had theoretical knowledge, but we got to enjoy practical knowledge. Last night, I’m not sure why it just dawned on me, but, it did. My husband and his allotted 18,221 days were blessed!
He was a beloved son, a baby brother, he got to travel, serve his country, and he got to be a dad. Then, he and I were gifted these 2,294 days together, of those, 1628 days we got to be husband and wife! That doesn’t seem like a lot, but then I think about what God allowed my husband to enjoy during our time together, and it brings me such joy and peace. God, was so very faithful to my husband. He allowed him to experience so many things he prayed for. He always prayed for a wife that would choose him. A bride that would be loyal and respect him. Well, he got that in spades! My husband wanted a big family, and oh, he got one! A Cuban one, so it came with an added component of passion, food, music and inappropriate jokes. He got to teach 3 kids what a father’s love and acceptance is supposed to feel like. He got to homeschool a kid, something he always wanted to do (I thought he was nuts for wanting this- but he was great at it). He got to lead a little boy to Jesus, and pray with him, and see him get baptized. He got to serve in his church, something his soul longed for. He got to lead his family, and he was amazing at it. And, he got to play his music, without limits and conditions.
God, blessed my husband. HE did! God always knew the days my husband had… HE maintained the count. Then, HE allowed my husband to enjoy his final few thousand days living in a way that blessed my husband.
God is good!
I can lose sight of that. Why? Well because I add a word. Yep! I add the word, “only”. I’ll think things like, “I only got 6 years with him” … and that, can wreak some serious havoc when one is walking through grief. You look at the time you don’t get to share, the experiences you don’t get to enjoy, the time you will not have… essentially, robbing yourself of the joy and utter gift of the time you DID get to have with your beloved. A grieving person easily dwells on what they can no longer enjoy with their loved one, instead of, the gift of time that they did enjoy with them.
God had a set number of days for my husband, and I got to be his bride at the end. That’s my gift. God used me and the crazy’s I’m related to, to give my love what he prayed for, what he desired. That’s our gift. My husband went home to Jesus, at the end of his set time on this planet, loved and cherished. That was his gift. If I choose to only see the days God didn’t give my husband, then, I’ll miss the gift of the days HE did give him.
God has numbered our days too, yours and mine. I pray we live those days understanding that each of them is a precious gift. One, that we may not quite understand while we’re still on this side of eternity.