I made it to level 46 of this life game back in November. I’ve just been thinking about the previous 45 levels I’ve been able to survive. It’s just funny the way a woman evolves. From the clumsy teen years to a full-grown-confident woman, I feel like we change so much. I will say, that so far… level 46 is my favorite.
{Ok … disclaimers to this post: It’s about getting older (my perspective), and topics will be discussed that may make some uncomfortable. You have been warned! }
The teen years: When I was a teenager, I was as angsty as the next girl. I kept A LOT from my parents. A LOT. I was hyper emotional. So, that meant when I was happy, I was nuts and when I was mad, I went nuts. Oh my goodness, I had crushes on tons of boys, but I was just never seen like anything but a friend to all the boys I thought were SO great. I thought I was “in love” about 100 times as a kid. I was not really comfortable in my skin, so a lot of the time I just wanted to blend in, and be invisible.
My 20’s: I put myself on a fast track to adulting, and was married, and had 2 kids in my 20’s. I was broke, a lot. I was so very bad with money. Still, really uncomfortable with myself and sex was not my favorite thing. I enjoyed making the person I was married to happy, so there was enjoyment there, but beyond that… I could take it or leave it. Professionally, I proved to be an excellent employee. I’d move up really fast, and my education matched the trajectory of my job. I was such a fast learner, and so hungry to do more, get more, achieve more. Professionally, I was insatiable. Personally? I was really miserable. REALLY miserable. I was flat-out hopeless and lost, and then, I broke! But, at 29, my life forever changed, because I became a believer. January of 2006… I was 29 and Jesus flipped all the right tables in my life and I became HIS!
In my 30’s it became obvious that the old adage, “once a cheater, always a cheater” was true. I’d be divorced at 37. I became a mom for the 3rd time at 33. My perspective was so different and time became this THING that moves really fast, so, for the first time in my life, I wanted things to slow down in my 30’s. Life was too fast. My perspective, simply from becoming a believer was so different too. All of those professional accomplishments seemed silly and futile in comparison with my new heartfelt desire, to honor Christ with my life. I really wanted my marriage to work. I really wanted to be an amazing mother to my kids. I wanted to make up for those years in my 20’s when I worked until past 10PM. The nights I didn’t tuck my kids in, and the evenings I didn’t cook. My goals and aspirations shifted from financial gain, to honoring the LORD with my life. I chose to shift gears professionally and I slowed down, took a pay cut, and made it home every night. In my 30’s, slowly but surely I chose my family and myself. For the first time in my life I understood my value. I was fearfully and wonderfully made. Created and designed with, and for a purpose. Becoming a believer, and living for Christ, set me free in a way that I never had experienced. HIS love, grace, mercy and providence sustained me when I felt alone and betrayed. HE was my strength. At 35, I left my beloved city to a place that might as well been a foreign country. My 30’s was a decade of growth, pruning, change, and evolution. By, 37, I was divorced and a single-mom. Sex? I was probably never going to do that again.
But… God had other plans. HE’d teach me what marriage was supposed to be, a lesson HE felt I needed because if I am HIS bride, then I’d need to really understand what that meant. At 38, May 1st, 2015… I’d meet the most unlikely of characters. THANK GOD!
My 40’s! A renaissance if there has ever been one. I got remarried and became a step-mom. And… ladies & gentlemen… I finally understood what all the excitement was for, surrounding sex I mean. IT WAS AMAZING! I used to tell my husband that I was happy I had met him later in life. He woke up all kinds of stuff that could’ve gotten me in big trouble had I been younger. Professionally: I’ve ended up not only being amazing at my profession, but landing in a place that aligns with my personal goals. Financially: I’ve handed that over to the Lord, and HE has done amazing things with the resources HE’s blessed me with. Personally: In my 40’s I have been both the happiest I’ve ever been in my life and the saddest. I lived on the Mount Everest of pleasure, joy, contentment and satisfaction and then endured the loneliness, pain, suffering and destruction of grief. And… this decade isn’t over yet.
In 6 years… I’ve lived the best of times, and the worst of times.
So… why do I like level 46? Because, I’m walking closer to Christ today than I have ever before, and I’m both excited and scared of where HE is taking me.
This, roller-coaster of life is something I can endure because of HIM. At level 46, I understand who I am in God’s economy. I value my professional life, because what I do, I do it as on to HIM and I have a satisfaction in everything I do. A satisfaction that is not measured in the whimsical arbitrary ways that this world does. I love the kind of mother I’ve become, and value the relationships I have with all of my children (step, in-law, biological… you name it!), and… God has seen fit to allow me the privilege of being a grandmother! I’m finally comfortable in my skin. Not because I’m more beautiful then I’ve been, those years, were my husbands. I just glowed when we were together. But… I don’t really care about what others think or perceive anymore, and that’s pretty darn freeing.
There are still 4 years left in my 40’s … but so far, these are my favorite.
I think it’s healthy to take a quick inventory of our lives. I can see God’s hand working as far back as those angsty teen years. Even when I didn’t know HIM, HE was there.
At 46, I understand that I just have to play the hand I’ve been dealt. And… continually, relentlessly, pursue and long for Christ. Spend time in HIS word, with HIM, praying without ceasing. Everything else… EVERYTHING, can be figured out.
God is good, and I’m so very grateful to not be a teenager or in my 20’s!