There are many moments when it feels like time is passing by so quickly that it is somehow cruel. It’s a fleeting thought, but it’s still there. I miss my husband daily, actually, every second of everyday. However, as I said, time continues to move forward with no regard for my grief. Therefore, I’ve decided to waive both middle fingers at time… vigorously.
Things in my life that I look forward to writing about in the coming months:
I have a physical trainer. She’s more like a coach. Why? Well, I’m as unhealthy as a character from the Wall-E movie right now. And I don’t mean one of the cool little robots, more like one of the characters in the floating loungers distracted by a bunch of silly things on a screen (aka, TikTok). I still have NO desire to actually move, and do something healthy for myself, but, I’ve taken the salesperson approach to getting healthier. I’m going to, “fake it, till I make it”. And, what I’m “faking” is the desire to get healthier. Not because I’m trying to hurt myself by eating whatever I want, and lounging about, no, but because I have some deep-seated food issues. I find comfort in things like ice cream and fries, when I should be finding comfort in Christ alone. The other pre-programmed obstacles is my connection/perception of coupling things like being healthy with attractiveness. I could not care less about my physical appearance, so, that messes with me too. Good times. HOWEVER, I do want to get healthier so I can be comfortable when I travel about. I’d like to eventually go on mission trips and it will be way easier on my body to carry around less weight.
I’ve decided to cut my own grass. No, I don’t know why… but it should make for some REALLY funny stories, so I am excited about that. (The funny stories, not the physicality of cutting my own grass)
Traveling! Coming up first is a work trip to a city I’ve never been. I’m excited to get some much-needed alone time. Then, the cruise. I call it that because it’s the cruise my husband planned for us in February of 2020, then the pandemic hit. Our trip kept getting bumped and he pushed it out to May of 2022 thinking we should be “in the clear” by then. As always, he was right, but this will be different, I’ll be going on this cruise with my kid. Initially, after my husband passed, I was going to cancel this. He would talk about it so much, and was so excited to share the experience with me. I pray I don’t regret still going. I hope I can be there and be overwhelmed by God’s faithfulness and my husband’s love for me. We’ll see… Finally, a bucket list trip in July with the youngest. This one, is all me, and it should be… an experience.
Of course, I’m excited to write about my continued observations of my favorite topic, people… We’re freaking nuts, guys.
And… the adventures of being a mom of 6! Yes, I’m including the spouses of my oldest 2 kiddos.
My mind is continually racing, and as much as I love to write; it does require me to sit and organize my convoluted and complex thoughts. I think a lot, and I’ve lost my person. The one I used to bounce all of my crazy and scattered musings with… so… you’re all stuck with me.
Regardless of what’s to come… right here and now, the walk I’m enduring alongside my Savior has been intense. I’ve come to a few profound realizations after diving into scripture that I pray I can discuss with someone before I decide to share them with you all. I’ve also stumbled upon this acute gratefulness that I cling to daily. It’s a strange time. To exist in a world that isn’t as pretty and shiny as it used to be for me, but to still exist with joy, love and peace is so very contrary to what this world tells me I “should” be. I “should” be bitter and angry and suffocatingly sad… and don’t get me wrong, that’s all in here too, but it’s the indebtedness to Christ, to HIM and what HE’s done for me that (thankfully) is the prevailing emotion. I’m obviously not grateful HE called my husband home, but I’m grateful my husband is in Heaven. I hate that he’s not with me, but I love that he’s with HIM. I miss him, but I find peace in understanding that in the presence of our Savior, he doesn’t miss me.
It's all so very strange. But everyday I’m grateful to withstand this grief simply because I know my husband was mercifully spared from it. My person got to go Home without ever having to feel, this.