Time is relentless.
I find myself straddling 2 very different seasons of life.
First, I’m the mom of a middle-schooler, and he’s all plugged into band, church, and school. Very busy. I’m running around to practices, school parties, parent’s night, youth group, just the swing of motherhood. Obviously, at 12, there’s still some guiding, training, and raising that needs to happen. Very much mommy-mode. I also have my adult ones, who still check-in and drop by thank God. But, I’m still a mom to them. No more raising with the bigger 3, it’s more like therapy with them.
Then, the other season, I’m going to be a grandmother for the very first time. Our 1st one is due in about 61 days. I’m going to hold our first grandchild, a little precious boy, very soon. I’m not at all responsible for grandkid’s raising or correcting… just their spoiling. Those are new and unchartered waters for me.
One of the things my husband and I talked about was becoming grandparents. We were so looking forward to this next season of life. He wondered what they’d call him. It seems silly, but when you have a blended family, one simply doesn’t assume. So, he wondered if the grandkids coming from my kiddos would call him, “abuelo” or “grandpa” or anything, besides his name. I, insisted that I’d be the only, “abuela” so none of my grandkids would ever be confused. We discussed how we’d retire and travel, but still be available for the grandkids. We said, we’d have a trailer big enough for the grandkids to sleep in, but not for the adults. My husband said, that was prime spoiling time. We simply knew that becoming grandparents was the next adventure.
And here I am, because time is relentless: I’m there, at the precipice of abuela-dom and he’s not here.
He won’t be with me at the hospital. Or, the first time we get to babysit and just ooh and aaaah at the most beautiful baby we’ve ever seen. He won’t be with me when we go celebrate birthdays, and he won’t be next to me so I can show him the baby’s newest videos, or pictures. I won’t be able to show off, to him, over how good I am at putting baby’s to sleep. We won’t compete over which grandbaby loves who, the most. Just silly stuff that we were looking forward to. The stuff I’m supposed to be doing with him.
I don’t want to say it’s bitter sweet, because there’s nothing bitter about becoming an abuela. No way! But it is dichotomous. It feels so split. I felt this way when I saw the 2 oldest kids marry their people. I felt thrilled for them, filled with joy, I was beaming and so happy to be a part of such a special day. And, at the same exact time, I was utterly heart-broken, I was devastated to not be able to hold the one hand I wanted to hold. To kiss my husband and whisper, “we did aiight”. We soooo would’ve high-fived each other.
I just never thought I’d grow older without him.
I never thought that the first time we’d become grandparents, I’d be alone.
… but God.
This is faith, right? Faith is knowing what’s to come. Knowing.
Therefore, all of this painful stuff, is temporary. Ultimate reality is that God is on His throne and all the pain and tears of this world will be wiped away. So… while I’m stuck here, my role is to honor and glorify Christ.
Which simply put means, I’m going to be the best damn abuela that has ever abuela’d in the history of abuelas. I’m praying for our grandchildren, I will love them, I will pray with them, I will read to them, and yes, I will play lots of beautiful music for them. I will tell them what an amazing abuelo Chris they have. I will show them his bible, and all of the beautiful notes he left in it. I will play the silly videos of him, for them. I will play their abuelo’s music for them. I will gladly, and humbly ,introduce their abuelo Chris, and their Gigi Gloria, and their great’s Seve, Cari, Lupe and Pepe, to all of them… all the while, praising Jesus for the incredible privilege of those I’ve been blessed to be loved by.
This journey I’m on is really sad. And, everyday I have the choice: Do I stay sad? And, you know what… somedays I do. And that’s ok.
Then, somedays I choose to live with that sadness but allow the joy to coexist, and that’s ok too.
I’m going to be an amazing abuela. Just saying.
But Chris, he would’ve been their favorite.