My world has been completely flipped on its head, and I’ve begun writing this entry so many times and then just stopped.
On August 11th, I lost my person. My husband was such a good man that him passing away has simply amplified what a truly amazing and loved human being he was. If you have never lost a spouse I will give you some limited insight… it’s rough. You loose the person you most speak with, the person you plan a future with, you lose the person that most knows you and you loose the person that you probably have the most fun with. Then, if you had an amazing relationship, it just hurts all the more. Gone are the looks you exchange, the sly comments and inside jokes that are only between the two of you, the intimate moments that made you feel loved and oh so cherished. All of that is simply gone. And… you are expected to continue and live on despite the immense loss you’ve endured and it’s difficult. It actually hurts. But… you do. You put one foot in front of the other and you keep moving. You keep moving because you understand that the person you love, whom you just lost, would never want you to stay stuck. They would desire to see you do well, they’d want only good things for you. But it doesn’t make each step any less difficult. It doesn’t mean that your day-in, day-out life isn’t an utter chore.
I hate that for years and generations we don’t have honest conversations about grief and mourning. Perhaps, it’s because none of us really know what to say, or we’re all horribly uncomfortable with death. But let the record show, sadness is not weakness. Struggling after a loss of someone you love is actually normal. The price one pays for loving another human, if you will. The human body enduring trauma after an untimely death and the stress associated with it is, normal.
I get asked, “how are you” a lot. I cannot bring myself to answer, “fine”… because, I’m not “fine” and I may never be, “fine” again, but I will answer with a Finding Nemo reference, “I’m swimming”. I’ll keep swimming, functioning, moving, and living because that’s the right thing to do. Because, that’s how I most honor my husband. Because, that’s how I most honor my Savior who paid it all so that I could spend eternity with HIM. I’m “swimming” because the only thing bigger than my current grief, which is overwhelming at times, is the love I have for my Savior, the love and devotion I have for my children, and the love I will forever have for my precious husband. Love is helping me. Only love.