I cannot believe that it is December… time is just flying!
Recently, I’ve been enjoying this season of monotony and peace. Not that life is void of trials and challenges, but there has been an under-current of peace, and comfort, that I can only attribute to the Holy Spirit being invited daily into the mundane, into the routine, into my conversations, and into my choices.
I’ve become selective with my time, and where I direct energy, and I’ve been clinging to scripture and the truth of who Jesus says I am, during the more emotional times. I miss my husband constantly, and I’m making peace with the fact that, that is how I will probably exist for the rest of my days. Constantly longing for a conversation, and guidance from him. He was such a smart guy. Definitely, wise beyond his years. I miss all the other husband stuff too, but not just, “husband stuff” … him. I miss my husband’s… well, everything.
The kiddos are all healthy, thank God. The adult offspring, are all trying their best to do the “adulting thing”. Some have made little mistakes, and others have made tremendous errors, some have grown up more in the past few months than they had in the years prior. Some, have grown in wisdom and discernment, bringing this momma-turned-onlooker such overwhelming joy. But that’s a part of our 20’s, right? You win a few, you mess up, you regroup, and hopefully learn, and then, you move forward. Parenting in this adult season is a lot less about, “parenting” and more about listening, replying, and exchanging funny videos. I don’t hate it! Now… what also comes with having adults is the concept of healthy (ready for the “b” word) boundaries.
Oh my goodness, what? “Boundaries” for my children?!?
How dare I?
Look, I’m Cuban, we are all about NO-Boundary-having-enabling-kind-of love. I get it. BUT… is it the healthiest thing to do once our “kids” are adults? I have 3 kids in their 20’s and 1, who is only 13. That 13 year-old still needs his mom to be 100% mom. Bringing my “A” game, even when I’m feeling like a D-. Right? We’re in agreement… the “boundary” talk is NOT for that kid. Not yet.
No, I’m specifically talking about setting and keeping healthy roles with our adult offspring. My humble opinion… I think the worst thing we can do for a person in their 20’s is treat them like teenagers. If they are not taking steps into moving on their own, have you had a conversation with them about that? This is coming from a parent with a 21 year-old still living at home too. But, we’ve most definitely had conversations about the next steps. As much as I love having him around, we both know that this is not a permanent living situation. There is a very real expectation that he’s saving money to purchase his own home, there’s also been tangible steps taken by him to make that happen. But, the “come back to mom’s house forever” concept, is a no-go in my home. I expect them all to grow up. I’ll always be a soft place to land and I’m an excellent transitionary stop, but just a stop.
Some boundaries I have decided are healthy for me, are:
When there is strife amongst the grown siblings, I will not get in the middle. Not my place. However, if I’m in my home, every one of my kiddos that wants to be there, is welcomed; however, I will not impose my will on their homes. That’s crazy disrespectful.
I call before going over… never do a pop-in on married couples. I don’t want to see anything, I don’t want to see: know what I mean?
I expect these grown ups to let me know they are coming over to my home. Momma may not be there. Momma may not have cooked, I expect them to be clear on the food-consumption expectations. I’ve always got snacks, but I may not have dinner.
I will not have a person in my home who disrupts the peace in my home. That’s not cool. I’ve been fighting for almost 10-years to have the peace I now enjoy in my home, and I’ll fight to keep it.
When I’m having any type of shindig, I invite them. However, I may have shindigs in my home that are not open to people not living in my home, and that’s ok.
Finally, the grands. The relationship that will slaughter all boundaries. Those babies are awesome! And, I LOVE my grandkids… LOVE THEM! But… abuela still works, and has responsibilities, and she still likes to travel. So, I am not 100% available, 100% of the time. I’ll try my darndest for my grands, but sometimes I can’t get out of stuff, and it’s ok.
Boundaries can be a very good thing. And they look different in different homes and different dynamics. I get that.
I’m just inviting my newly empty-nesters to relax a little. Enjoy that you did the work on the front-end and that your kids are grown-ups. When they’re in college, sure, there are still some very real “parenting” opportunities, even if our delivery method changes (lots of face-time cooking calls for instance). But, I’m talking to the parent with a “child” who is now married, who has their own children, who has bought and moved into their new home, who is 24-ish and is still living at home, and not in school, and enjoying their parents continuing to provide for them. Boundaries are important for my well-being and for my peace, I know that Cuban grandmothers everywhere are turning their backs on me, I get that. BUT…
I said what I said.
I LOVE my kiddos. LOVE THEM. But… they need to do their own thing, and I get to just enjoy being invited in, sans opinions and financial help, I don’t do that. Do I sometimes want to give my opinion? Of course! Did you just meet me? BUT, unless I’m asked, I’ll pass. Do I ask clarifying questions when I believe they’ve acted in a very irresponsible, or idiotic way? You better believe it. However, none of THEIR choices are my choices, so I don’t walk through the consequences, or the rewards. I get to, from a healthy distance, cheer for them, rejoice with them, mourn with them, pray for them constantly, and always, always love them.
I told my daughter the other day, I’ve been raising kids since I was 22, I’m 47… and exhausted. Once the youngest is off to college I’ll be 51-52 years old. That means that 60% of my life was dedicated to raising some pretty awesome human beings, right? I just want to enjoy the results.