I came to know Christ as my Savior in January of 2006 after a pretty dramatic event in my life. A self-inflicted wound, if you will. I have NO doubt that Jesus is who pulled me out of that pit. HE forever changed me. Fast-forward to 2022 and HE is still pruning me… and I absolutely hate it.
If I’m being honest, I think HE went too far this time.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that Jesus did not take my husband from me, it was my husband’s time, and death and grief is a consequence of this sin-filled, deteriorating world. My husband getting called Home is probably the most merciful thing Jesus could do. My husband is freed from pain in his body, and is Home with our Savior and is somewhere without tears or pain. He will never have to endure the hurts that this life can bring. How could I want less for the love of my life?
WELL… I do!
I want my husband here with me, in this cesspool. THAT is where this despicable pruning, comes in. Jesus works ALL things together for good for those who love HIM and are called according to HIS purpose. Right? BUT me… I’m 45… I still have an 11 year-old to raise, I’m not supposed to be a widow! Are you kidding me?!? This doesn’t feel like “pruning” or like it’s ever going to work together for good, this feels like a relentless stabbing. It’s violent. It’s horrible.
The incessant whisper coming from my treacherous heart is, “this is not how it’s supposed to be” and, “this isn’t the right order”; see, there is an order in my mind of how things are “supposed” to go. For instance, I’ve always heard my dad say, “it’s not natural for a parent to bury a child”. So, I think that’s part of what I’m raging against, my perceived “order” of things.
I didn’t pretend that when I married my husband, in February of 2017, at the age of 40 (he was 45) that we would ever live long enough to celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary, but I sure as heck thought we’d be with one another “for the rest of our lives”, see the kids get married, that we’d welcome grandchildren together, retire, travel, grow old TOGETHER… the kicker… I never imagined that the rest of my husband’s life would only be until August of 2021. and, I feel robbed.
I want to rage! I want to scream! How the crap is this going to get worked together for my good?? I’m supposed to trust that Jesus has a plan for me, for this? That HE’s going to use this anguish for HIS glory? I’m a bitter betty! I shouldn’t be a widow yet, I’m too young! I need my husband, our grandkids should’ve met him! Our kids need my husband, his advice, his guidance! YES, this sucks!!
But then… I feel this horrible conviction.
When I voice/think … all of this ANGER, I then feel 100% like poop, because Jesus has been so faithful to me, and I am being an utter shmuck. A spoiled and ungrateful child.
HE has proven Himself over and over again. HE has carried me through some pretty treacherous waters. HE’s cared for me and my family, raising up people who love us, and pointing us all faithfully to Christ. HE has provided for us, and weaved a beautiful story of redemption and love in our lives.
And then… the emotions fight against the conviction, it’s the feeling of being “robbed” that ushers in another emotional whirlwind… this is my personal struggle, the grief of the loss is normal, the emotional entitlement that I’m struggling with, is not. It’s a precipice; Teetering to one side is normal and healthy grief, on the other is anger towards the God, who loves me.
A palpable desire to rage and scream, “IT’S NOT FAIR” and yell at my Savior who loves me, “Why are You doing this” “Why did you take him so soon” and “We were supposed to grow old together” All of that… I want to yell and scream and flip some freaking tables. We were supposed to be together for the rest of OUR lives.
BUT GOD. (Best 2 words in scripture)
The thing is, yes, I struggle. My personal struggle is between my very human and normal emotions and my faith. Do I really believe that Jesus loves me, and HE will never leave me, nor forsake me? Do I believe the Jesus that scripture talks about, that HE is real and active in my life? Yeah… Yes, I do.
Because, I know that the closer I walk with Jesus the more I will filter all things through scripture, even the painful, gut-wrenching stuff. The more my will and desires will align with HIS, the better and healthier I can grieve. As I do this, as I cling to Christ, I am able to put up a decent fight against my emotions. I am being pruned. The pruning is painful. It’s the cutting away of what’s not healthy, what is holding back growth, and not strengthening the blooms that eventually all will admire, because they point everyone to HIM.
It is not my beautiful husband that was trimmed, he was a gift, a gift that is helping me fight even now. He continually pointed me to Christ, to HIS word, to HIS truth. What’s getting cut off are my idolatrous emotions that so desperately want me to doubt my Jesus. This needs to be cut away, once and for all. These emotions driven by a self-importance that continually threaten to drown me and suffocate me in waves of doubt and anger. I need this to be cut off… but it’s still painful. God is using the loss of my beloved to show me just how much I actually doubt HIM, how much I need HIM, how much I still have to learn about HIM, and it hurts so badly to see that ugly truth.
I am stuck here without my love, missing him, for however long Jesus wants to keep me here. But I will never be without HIM, my Savior, who is faithful to finish the work HE started in a hot-mess like me.