What if I get it wrong?
That’s been the #1 question I’ve asked myself during this parenting journey. What if I get it wrong, and the kid turns out to be this jerk that no one wants to be around? Someone who lacks empathy, and is selfish, and who is cruel, and all because I got it wrong. What if I get it wrong, and this kid, whom I love, grows into the most unlovable of people?
It sucks.
What if I didn’t love them in just the right way? What if I didn’t teach them something they should know? What if I neglected to protect them from something, or someone?
I think about this constantly, but more so, when my 10 year-old is acting like a little jerk.
Parenting is this crazy journey. I’ve compared it to a rollercoaster, and during the teenage years, to being in a paddle-boat desperately trying to row away from an upcoming waterfall. I’ve compared it to being a jockey trying to gauge how soon, or how quickly, to apply pressure and/or to release the reigns on a horse that is just wanting to RUN.
It’s all of these things and so much more. Parenting is exhausting and exhilarating, and I have no clue if I’m doing enough.
I compare the parenting dynamic between the older kids and this younger one, constantly. This little one has variables that the older ones just didn’t, from where he’s being raised, to who is in his life constantly, things are different. Additionally, I’m older too, so, I don’t have the same energy that I used to, and my perspective and temperament have evolved. All of these nuances make me wonder if I’m doing an ok job with him. It’s unnerving.
But God…
God’s grace is sufficient.
The bottom line is, I will make mistakes. I will loose my temper. I will forget to teach my son certain skills because we either never get around to it, or I incorrectly believe he’s already acquired the skill. I will let things go when I shouldn’t, and I will get hung-up on ridiculousness that I should just let go of. I will make mistakes… But God. His grace is sufficient. That fact doesn’t free me from my burden to parent; it should, however, motivate me to parent better. Move me to live in a manner worthy of the sacrifice of Christ in-front of my kid, and this world. God’s grace upon my life should be a daily reminder of the way for me to best love and serve my children.
And then…
When I ask myself, “Did I get it wrong”… I could wholeheartedly respond with, “probably” and know that regardless of my failings as a mother, God’s grace is sufficient.
I won’t know what kind of man my 10 year-old will be, until he’s out there in the world, being a man. Not until he’s independent and living outside of my home will I be able to rightly assess if he’s a believer, if he serves others, if he loves his neighbor, and if he’s applying any of the stuff taught to him.
Motherhood is not a static concept. One, is not the same kind of mom to a newborn, as they are to a teenager. The skills required for the job, change, and they change on a dime, without notice, and without any preparation.
Some day, my home will be silent and my role as a mother will be so different from what it is today. And even then… in that deafening silence, God’s grace will be sufficient, and in that, I will rest, with all gratitude and humility because only through HIM, and with HIM, could I have been able to endure.
Motherhood ain’t no joke. Worst/Best job, I’ve ever had.