Don’t judge me, but every time I hear the word, “tradition” I think of Fiddler on the Roof and Tevye. One of my favorite musicals. The dad, Tevye, and his family live in an Orthodox Jewish community, he has 7 daughters, and the production follows this dad as he navigates the oceans of betrothals.
Throughout the play we see the dad make compromises to traditions in order to appease some of his daughters. But, traditions are difficult to disturb, question, or to modify. I think they are somehow engrained in us. So, when I ask people, “why do we do that” and the answer is, “it’s tradition” I, honestly, bristle. I don’t mean to, but I do.
Personally, doing things for the sake of tradition, doesn’t make sense. What if the traditional way of doing things doesn’t personally work for me? Why can’t I change it up? For me, it’s similar to seeing someone perform a function at work in a certain methodical way (a way that is painstakingly inefficient) and asking, “why do you do it that way” and hearing the answer, “because that’s how we’ve always done it” my visceral reaction is to ask, “why”. And continue asking, “why” until there is some logic.
Same for traditions.
When my husband passed there were some things that didn’t make sense.
First, on the day you lose your loved one. Possibly one of the most difficult days of your life, the closest person to the person who died has to, “make arrangements”. Can I just say, this is cruel and unusual punishment. There has to be a better freaking way. A friend of mine, was able to “make arrangements” before her person passed. I pray that, that is what I’ve gifted my children with. BUT… I know they’ll still have to go to a funeral home and present the place with the receipts or whatever the funeral home will need in order to handle the logistical side of dealing with a body. I mean, we’re all going to die, has no one thought of a more efficient, less painfilled way, to do this?
Second, funerals. I don’t understand them. That, I’ve learned, is a personal thing. Some people need the body (or something physical) to say goodbye, or “pay their respects”. Some, need the solidarity of being in one place with those who cared for your loved one and feel supported and see just how loved your person was. Some, want to celebrate their loved one. Some, want the comfort of the tradition. Whatever… you do you, boo. No judgement.
For me, the impact of the loss proved too great. I couldn’t function, at all. Therefore, having even a memorial service was wisely deemed, “too much” for me, at the time. For very important reasons: There was COVID, we all had it, and in my selfishness, I exposed a bunch of really good people, who were trying to love me and my family through a terrible time. But the biggest reason was, I was NOT in a good head space to have done anything that would’ve honored Christ, and celebrated my husband. It would’ve been, as the kids say, a shi* show.
Looking back it sucks. I mean, sure, it wasn’t going to be a traditional funeral, by any means, but in my weakness, I robbed so many from being able to say, “goodbye”. And… that’s where my adamant aversion to “traditions” meets a type of conformity. Our children, our family, our friends, his friends… deserved their, “goodbye” I didn’t understand it at the time. But I do now.
I may never conform to traditions and question them constantly, but I think real wisdom comes from being able to assess situations, honestly, and do the right thing. And, “the right thing” may not be what others expect, or what is “normal” or “traditional” but RIGHT is RIGHT.
Out of love, I should’ve put my big girl panties on and allowed people who loved my husband their time to say goodbye. Regardless, of my feelings. Out of honoring Christ, I should’ve allowed for an explanation of our eternal perspective from someone who wasn’t hyper-emotional, like I was. Out of love for our children, I should’ve given each of them private time with Chris. I should’ve done SO many things differently.
But, I can’t change the past, I can, however, choose to learn from it. I pray that’s what I’ve done.
In my older age I hope I can better analyze traditions and see that some of them have some good in them, even if I don’t necessarily understand them.
I’d love to end this post with a singing of “Tradition” … but you’d love this post better if I didn’t.