It’s the 4th of July.
Last year, my husband, son, sister, brother-in-law and I, all went to the ball park. We were trying to see the Birmingham Fireworks without having to travel too far into downtown. I can remember being so excited because we’d be traveling only 6 days later.
Last year. That’s all I think about. A summer of lasts. Our last date night, our last vacation, our last kiss.
July 9th, 2021, we had so much fun at a breakout room. Our first, and last one together. We wanted to go back and do it again with all the kids.
July 10, 2021, we left on what would be our last vacation together. That vacation was such a gift. I don’t think I ever wrote about it because I’d lose my husband only 18 days after getting home from it.
We went to Central-Florida first. That’s where the majority of Chris’s family lives, and we wanted to spend time with them. All 3 of his brothers were going to be together and enjoy time with Gloria, their mother. Chris, was so excited for me to be around his 3 brothers at once. Through the years, I never had that chance. We got to Orlando and went directly to Chris’s mom’s home. She had endured some medical stuff and still wasn’t 100% herself. I remember Chris being so grateful that him and his brothers could bless her with this special time, and it really was.
I’ve always been impressed with how Chris’s family not only loved and accepted me, but my kiddos too. Matthew, felt at home at his uncle Mike and aunt Sonja’s house. He played video games and fell asleep on their sofa. Our time there would be one of the most amazing and special moments from that vacation. Michael, took Matthew and I fishing, and I loved that we all just stayed out there even though it started raining. Chris, got to use his brother’s grill (it was apparently not just a grill, it was some special cooking apparatus, Chris raved about it the entire rest of the vacation). We had so many conversations that I treasure like priceless gems, so very precious. Michael, told me about the passing of their dad. Mike was around Matthew’s age when everything happened. None of us knew it at the time, but that conversation prepared me for what was coming. I’d never get a chance to thank Mike, he went Home to Jesus only 26 days after my husband.
After our time in Central Florida, we headed to South West Florida to spend time with my family at the beach. We’d laugh so much during our time there. We ended our time with my family at a ball game in Miami. And in a twist of fate, we’d end up visiting our friends, and Chris got to eat his very favorite steak on the planet.
Our very last day was supposed to be spent with Chris’s family back in Central Florida, but the youngest wasn’t feeling too hot, and we didn’t want to risk getting Chris’s mom sick. Instead, we played tourist and just killed time around Orlando, waiting for our departing flight.
Looking back, there would only be 2 regrets that I have about that trip:
1. My husband asked me to ride a helicopter around Orlando while we were killing time, we instead went to the movies. I should’ve ridden the helicopter with him. and
2. My husband wanted to meet up with some friends of ours who also happened to be in Miami, I blew it off and told him we’d arrange something once we got home. After all, they only live a few hours away… I actually believed we’d have so much more time.
We returned July 24th, 2021, my husband went Home to Jesus 18 days later on August 11, 2021.
And here I am. July, 2022, and last summer both feels like just yesterday to me, and a lifetime ago, all at the same time.
I am forever changed. Not just because of what I lost last summer, but because what I gained when I met my beloved. He changed me. His patience, his love for me and our children, his steadfastness, and his perseverance; all of him, made me better.
I don’t write any of this so that you pity me. Don’t. I knew love. That summer of lasts, I don’t look back with sadness in my heart. I look back with gratitude, and overwhelming humility, because I know that what Chris and I had was special. He was my person: And so many don’t get that. So many live all of their days with a superficial love, just emotions that waiver like a kite in the wind. Flying to spectacular highs when the weather is right, followed by devastating lows when the wind changes. No, we got to cleave to one another, we became one, we chose each other everyday regardless where the winds of change were blowing.
Everyday is difficult because it’s one more day without him, but, everyday is also a gift because I have an understanding of just how quickly everything can change. I know I will be reunited with my husband in eternity, I know that we’ll get to worship our Savior together someday, and I know that even if I live another 40 years or 40 minutes, all of it is a beautiful blessing from the Lord. An opportunity to make precious memories with those I love and to live in a way that glorifies Christ.
A summer of lasts… I cry both tears of sadness and tears of joy. Grateful for what I had, and mournful for what I’ve lost.