I have some serious trust issues.
Honestly. In my most closest of circles I’ve referred to myself as “a Peter” many, many times. To be clear, I’m not proud of this. It’s probably one of the areas I most struggle with, faith. And, God as a good and faithful father only ever gives me opportunities to put my trust in HIM. Sadly, I fail many of HIS exams.
A recent situation in my life has brought this lack of faith, front and center, again. It’s disheartening and disappointing that after 13 years of walking alongside Christ I still am wrestling with the same exact issues. How dense am I that I can’t just do this 1 simple thing? Take HIM, who has never disappointed me, at HIS word?
Anxiousness, is very simply my lack of faith in HIM, put on display. My inability to wait on HIM, to be still, to not fret are all manifestations of disbelief. I have trust issues. What this journey of self-discovery (which sucks, by the way) keeps bringing me back to one question: why? Why do I not trust what has proven to be trustworthy?
I’ve had many, MANY people in my life give me the same advice, “let go”… yep. Wish I could. I don’t think I know how or it is too simplistic for me to wrap my head around. How does one, let go? How do I stop thinking about something? See, part of the issue is, I need some practical steps:
Step 1: Boil Water
Step 2: Put thoughts in water
Step 3: Boil for 15-20 minutes
Step 4: Dump thoughts and water in sink
Practical/ Tangible steps make sense to me. This “let go” seems obscure and undefined and I simply don’t understand. Better put, I don’t have the capacity to understand that idea. Or, my next favorite piece of advice is, “just don’t worry about it”… I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me. How is one to stop “worrying”, exactly? Is sedation an option? Will you punch me in the head repeatedly so I can sleep for an extended period of time? How do I turn this thing off?
BUT… and this is the part that is atrocious and painful and devastating, I can feel in my soul my FATHER admonishing me by saying, “oh, you of little faith” and HE’s right… and I don’t know how to fix it.
Full disclosure, to an untrained eye, you would NEVER know I struggle with this. Why? Because I’m obedient, I don’t go around DOING anything so, it would appear that I am being still. That I’m trusting. But you’d be sorely mistaken in your assessment because the hamster on the wheel of my mind hasn’t taken a break to even have water … and I don’t know how to get him to stop. I won’t make any outward moves but it’s the internal thinking… turmoil, that I cannot stop. External action is easy peasy lemon squeezey… a situation arises where I must be still, and wait. Well, you won’t see me move. BUT, oh my goodness gracious, my mind never stops.
I don’t have a pretty little bow to tie around this entry, there’s unfortunately not a finality to it. It’s just a moment of transparency and a prayer request. I pray that the hamster on the wheel of my mind takes a mini-vacation or attends quite the rager. I would just like some time of silence up there in this brain of mine. I want to experience a blank canvas for once…. not the 77 open windows of my brain’s desktop.