1 more thing to survive, the month of February.
My wedding anniversary is the 25th and we probably would have gone away for the weekend. We loved to get-a-way. I woke up this morning with an encouraging, “this month is only 28 days long… I got this” pep talk.
It’s so strange but dates have turned into markers. Like when you’re running long distance you get mile-markers that say you’re “2 miles” in, or “8 more to go”, markers that encourage the walker/runner to know how far they’ve gone, and how much further they’ve got to go. This is exactly what dates feel like to me, now.
For instance, my husband passed on the 11th; therefore, every following 11th day of each month is like a ticker of sorts. I’ve journeyed through 5 months of this agony. So far, so good! Just kidding… it’s just what do you say? That’s the thing with these markers. See, if I was running a marathon, then the markers would help me take that 1 more step until I reached the 26.2 miles. Until I finished.
This journey’s ending is unknown. I’m here for as long as God will have me be here, I don’t know how much further I actually have to go. No, these “markers” are an encouragement. Each date, is one more day that God has helped me survive.
So far, I’ve got 5 months of agony under my belt. A Christmas morning without my beloved. Remembered him on his birthday, he would’ve been 50. I blew out a birthday candle without him by my side as I turned 45. I carved the turkey for the first time. “Markers” not telling me how far I have to go, but lovingly reminding me of how much I’ve been able to bear. I’ve definitely grown stronger than I was a few days after his passing, that’s for sure. It’s still difficult for me to think back to the utter devastation of that day when I lost him. Like to try and unpack all of those emotions is sometimes too much to digest. When my husband passed the blow was so viscous that my mind could not comprehend it, and I stood at a precipice. I too almost plummeted into an abyss of anguish. But God. HE didn’t let me fall too far. I mean I fell, I busted my ass… that’s for certain, ask anyone who got to witness it. BUT GOD. HE is so good.
These “markers” that I have had to get through, remind me that I’m moving forward along with time. I’m not doing it well, or perfectly, but I am putting one foot in front of the other and moving. I am choosing to live in this painful reality and seek Christ in the midst of the pain.
These next BIG markers like our wedding anniversary, half a year without my person, remembering our first date, etc. Are only dates on a calendar, but to me they are so very much more. They are proof that God will not leave me nor forsake me. That HE holds me in the palm of HIS hand and that nothing and no one can snatch me out.
As I pass these “markers” they reassure me of the beautiful truths of scripture, and that helps me continue to move forward. I don’t know how much further I need to travel, but understanding that with HIM I can traverse the landscape and landmines ahead of me, consoles and encourages me.