This year has been rough.
The year began with a tornado that devastated my sister’s home and my grandmother’s passing. Then, in August I lost my beloved. Sprinkled between those events were so many blessings: the gift of a beautiful family vacation, my nephew graduating basic training, many date nights and lots of laughter. Then, shortly after my husband’s passing, was my first-born’s wedding. It has felt like an emotional roller coaster this year. The good, was OH SO GOOD… and the bad, was OH SO BAD.
Appropriately enough, I just returned from riding literal roller coasters hoping to ease the pain of experiencing my first Christmas without my husband. It didn’t work. The loneliness one feels even when surrounded by people we love, is palpable. The loss was inadvertently magnified during the special time shared with family. At every meal, every event, every experience, it was who was missing that kept rattling around in my mind. Please don’t misunderstand, I still value and love the gift of time spent with my children and others, but it’s the gaping hole of who is missing that draws me back into the mire of loneliness, acute sadness and an engulfing grief.
I have been wrestling with some pretty big truths lately. First, who Christ is, and secondly, what eternity will look like. The other thing I’m constantly praying for is wisdom. The wisdom to know what my role is, in such a time as this.
To clarify… who Christ is, is not a question. I know exactly who HE is, HE’s God’s begotten son, the perfect sacrifice that has redeemed humanity. HE lived as a man (by choice) and died for all of our sins (by choice), HE then rose from the dead after 3 days, and ascended into Heaven where HE sits at the right hand of God the Father. HE is the perfect propitiation, atonement, and only way to God the Father. No, what I’ve been thinking about is the eternal relationship with Christ once I get to Heaven. See, if He is the “bridegroom” as scripture says He is, that means that my Heavenly relationship with my earthly husband will be that of siblings, more-so than husband and wife.
I invite anyone to correct me here, if my interpretation of scripture is mistaken.
So, why am I wrestling with this? Well, I had a freaking amazing husband, that’s why. And if I’m being honest, it makes me sad that I won’t ever be his wife again. I know that sounds so stupid because for a believer my groom is Christ. I should be over-the-moon filled with joy, gratitude, humility, and anticipation. I get that… but, I’m not getting that.. in my guts. My grieving heart longs for my husband’s arms to hold me, no one else’s.
I’m being painfully transparent here, I’m sad that I won’t be my earthly husband’s bride ever again. That thought, makes me cry each time I ponder it. Not because I intentionally am poopooing Christ, but just because I don’t think I can wrap my head around anything being better than what we had. I pray that this is a, 1 Corinthians 2:9 situation.
In-light of my understanding of the relational dynamics of eternity what is the appropriate response for me, while I’m stuck here? I know the answer I’m supposed to say, honor and glorify God with my life. But what does that look like? This is my prayer. Daily, I want to choose Christ.
Just like my husband chose me. Everyday…
We’ve come to an end of another year. I keep thinking, “I can’t survive another 2021” lucky for me, it’ll never be 2021 again.