I’m at a loss. I have decent days, filled with gratitude and contentment in this horrific season of life, and then, I have these moments of devastation and sadness, that threaten to consume me, and carry me under the stormy waters. Heck, I can be having a decent day, and then one thing triggers an emotional spiral. I miss my husband. That is the constant. That, never waivers. It’s not like anything I’ve ever felt before, either. It’s not like being homesick, as much as it is a longing. Like my soul misses my person. I also think, that this kind of emotional pain, makes me prey. I’m an easier target.
I know that God is my Father, and like a good Father, God hurts when we hurt. But in HIS perfection, HE can also see the beginning from the end and knows that HIS will for HIS children is perfect and good. That’s the hard part with faith. “Good”
If I believe that God works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Then, even this? In my flesh, I cannot believe that. I cannot believe that any of this is good. It can’t be. It’s easy for me to see how our bodies deteriorate due to sin. It’s everywhere. In a mother’s womb, our climate, in viruses, and in our weak, aging bodies. If sin is like a cancer, then this planet and everything in it, is stage 4. We have tumors everywhere, and it continues to spread. This life is filled with pain, and sorrow, and loss. It oozes deceit, treachery, death, and destruction. How is this good?
My mind, in it’s weakness, stumbles on challenges to the faith I hold so dear. I ask myself things like, Do I long for Christ as much as I long for my husband? And, when I think about Heaven: am I more excited to see my Savior, or my person? - How are these questions, good?
But God.
When we lose a person we love; one that we are constantly grieving, we still have the Holy Spirit with us. HE doesn’t go on sabbatical so we can grieve. No, HE is with us. Every step, during the horrific journey of surviving a loss. HE is the one that eases our pain, just enough, so that we can get out of bed, shower, eat something. HE brings beautiful memories to the forefront of our thoughts. HE reminds us that we were loved, in my case, better than I deserved to be. HE gives us peace in the moments when we want to flip tables. HE reminds us to extend ourselves some grace, there’s plenty to go around. HE whispers, that we are still HIS, when we feel so far away. Scripture even tells us that HE intercedes for us in our weakness, with deep groanings.
Do you know how much I have to recite scripture to myself throughout my day? See, I know that I’m prone to wander. I know that HE who lives in me is greater than he who lives in this world. But the one in this world is prowling, he’s an adversary, seeking to destroy everything God loves. The scripture written on my heart is my tether. It’s my sword and shield.
Walking through this season is a constant struggle. It makes me walk by faith. Because, if I only walked by sight… I’d be hopeless. After all, faith is the substance (the meat and potatoes) of things hoped for, the evidence (the proof) of things unseen.
My faith, is why I can still laugh, why I can still see a silver-lining, why in the midst of pain I can be grateful. Because the sin in this world doesn’t win in the end, my Savior does, and HE redeems.
My faith has me eagerly awaiting the glory that God has prepared for those who love Him.
God is powerful enough to endure the questions that arise in our weakness. HE is patient enough to let us figure things out. HE is loving enough to have left us HIS word that allows us to walk through these seasons with guidance: we’re not lost or abandoned. Finally, HE loved us enough to leave the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of us. So that when we can’t speak, HE does, and when we fail, HE doesn’t, and when we need HIM, HE fights.
God is good, all of the time.