It’s August.
I woke up this morning and that was the thought I had, “it’s August”. I wonder if this is how every August will feel like, from now on? As if the air has been vacuumed from the room, and I have difficulty breathing, or walking, or talking, without crying.
I know he’s in a better place, and that I will see him again. I know that Christ sustains me, and allows me to still feel joy, in the midst of this heartbreak. I get all of that… and then the tears still come. This pain is renewed, and the gaping hole in my life is evident.
It’s August.
I’ve prayed a lot over the last year, sometimes just simple, “Jesus, I need you” type prayers. There have been moments where, if it wasn’t for Christ, for HIS provision, HIS grace, that I’ve wanted the world to turn off and let the grief consume me by staying in bed and just crying. But then, I write, or I pray, or I seek out those silly things that make me laugh, or I cling to my memories, which bring a stupid smile and good tears to my face.
But, it’s August, and I feel like I can’t breathe.
Scripture says:
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:18
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26
and, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
This is what I need to write on my heart.
The truth that I need to walk in is that YES, this sucks, but God: My Creator understands that there is suffering in this present time, that I am brokenhearted, and can feel like my spirit is being crushed, that my heart may feel weak, and in that weakness I can fail, and HE knows that I am mourning. I have to cling to the truth that my Savior SEE’S me, and knows me, and HE reassures me, and comforts me. HE says, that HE has something glorious planned for me, that HE’s my salvation, and that HE (who created everything, and sustains everything) is my strength.
I need to walk in this truth, or I’m not going to be able to walk too far. The load of the grief is too heavy.
It’s August, and IF this is what this month is going to feel like for the rest of my days, then, I’d better be walking with Christ. I better fix my eyes on the truth of HIS love, and HIS mercy and cling to HIS grace. A grace that HE affords me, and that I need to extend to myself.
I’ve walked through the previous 11 months without my beloved, and now I’ll walk through August too.