I begin this post by saying, I'm no expert. I mean sure, I have some experience... 17 years married to one guy and so far over a year with another. I can't even compare the relationships because they are different in almost every respect. However, perhaps it is because of my failure the first time around that I'm a bit more in-tuned with marital challenges that can easily be overlooked. So here, I share my 2 cents. I'll also premise this by saying every relationship is different and carries their own distinct challenges. These are merely observations from the cheap seats:
Warning #1: Do not engage auto-pilot.
This is probably one of the more dangerous hiccups that no one sees coming. It's when partners in life get carried away with being, "partners" and not so much of a couple anymore. I'll explain: Everyday, couples wake up, go to work, come home, do their chores or whatever responsibilities they have, and then go to sleep, next day, repeat. Life on a loop. Couples must guard their hearts from that loop. If you all are ending your evenings in different parts of your home consistently, for an extended period of time, and for no good reason, press pause on the loop and try to engage yourself and them. I wish relationships didn't take work, but they do. Relationships require us to be intentional. To continually build intimacy so that our hearts remain focused on what's important. Instead of allowing our "life on a loop" to grow into a lull, and then morph into a pit, disengage auto-pilot and be intentional. And... I'll add a side-bar: ALL relationships require us to be intentional. With kids, we have to get them away from electronics, with our faith we have to make time to study and engage, with our friendships, etc... all of them. Be intentional. Press pause every once in a while, especially in a marriage, and remind yourselves that you're in this together. And... that you're still hot for one another. (that's super important too)
Warning #2: Say what you mean, mean what you say
If you want to eat Chinese food, say that you want to eat Chinese food. Do not be passive aggressive with one another; it's not healthy! Women, I love my gender, but we're guilty of this. We sincerely want our partners to read our minds. Or, have the spirit of Noah (not from the Bible, but from the Notebook) be poured into our partners at any given time. Oh, you'd like examples? Of course. Example #1: You want to talk to your partner about your day, or something important, or personal, so you're going to wait until the, "right time". Your partner comes home, kisses you, and after decompressing a bit asks, "hey, you want to watch something on TV with me" you say "No" and stomp away angrily. You've assumed that they should just want to sit and speak to you. Huh. But why? Well they just should. But why? Example #2: "My love, where do you want to eat" the response is a carefree, "I don't care, you pick" or the infamous, "it doesn't matter, you choose" to which, a place is chosen. It's a loud Sports Bar showing all the games your significant other will be watching while the two of you sit there and eat. They are a sports enthusiast but you are not. To which, you've convinced yourself that your partner is selfish and not in touch with you. Because (and this is the best) they should've known better. Please stop. Let's say what we have to say, and stop assuming that our partners are mind-readers or an extension of ourselves. They are individuals. That's it. There is no way of me knowing, what you want me to know, if you don't actually tell me. Get it? If you say, "it doesn't matter" but it does... then... ummmm... it doesn't, doesn't matter. You're going to be frustrated and they are going to be frustrated. Don't fall for that. Be smart and say what you mean and equally as important mean what you say.
Warning #3: Your spouse and your child ... are 2 different people
Yes, you should tell your children when to be home, when to go to bed, ask them if they've showered, or brushed their teeth. NO, you shouldn't ask your spouse. They are adults, presumably, treat them as such.
Look, none of us are perfect and all of us struggle. But, if we understand the common pitfalls, (the common distractions) and keep focused on God (first) and our spouse (second) then, it'll work out. It will. BUT... wouldn't we all like to recognize these 3 warning signs and avoid these types of shenanigans? I know I would, and yet, I've been guilty of doing all 3 of these things: not engaging, being passive aggressive and speaking to my spouse the way I would speak to one of my kids. Some day I'll get this marriage thing right... hopefully... for his sake.