I was having a bit of writers block recently and it wasn’t because I was having a shortage of opinions or observations, but I think it’s because I wasn’t prepared to be real with my recent findings.
It’s always difficult when we have a gut-check moment and this quarantine has provided just that for me. Many, many moons ago I worked from home. I did that for 2 years after my youngest was born. When the news of everything getting shut down, the school’s primarily, were announced, I knew I had to stay with my now, 9 year-old youngest, I thought instantly, “oh, I’ve got this”… so yeah… long story short, NOPE I ain’t “got this”. You know what I have? A stark realization that I find tons of peace compartmentalizing my life. Let me explain…
I’m always a mom and a wife, right? On occasion, I’m Mami, on a work call… or getting a Mami-type call or text while I’m working. I immediately address the issue and then, return to my “mom job” or my “day job”. It’s not that I ever stop being “Mami” it’s just a little less… how can I put it? IN YOUR FACE when the kids are at school, or working, or doing their own thing and you know that they are safe. Kind of like a relay race… you’re still in the race even after you passed the baton, you’re still very much in it, but your role shifts slightly. Well, in this new quarantine reality, there’s no more shifting people. So now, regardless of what’s going on with work I cannot afford to NOT engage in my home, and conversely I cannot afford to NOT engage with work. I’m doing both my “mom job” and my “day job” simultaneously, and it sucks.
This season has taken two things I think I’m really good at, and just mixed them all up where now, I feel like I may not be that great at either job.
It’s not my favorite thing to admit, but I will not pretend that I have all of this figured out. I’m to do all things to the glory of God. Yes, I know this. I also know that my home; my marriage, my family, my children are the most important thing in my life, 2nd only to the Lord. Yes, I know this too. What I’m saying is it’s hard. It just is. It’s overwhelming.
So, to all the moms who love their families, who are both doing their day jobs and their mom jobs simultaneously… I salute you. We struggle with pangs of guilt and these are self-inflicted wounds. We’re trying to maintain a schedule and keep our kids learning and attend conference calls and fix dinner and be available for others and maintain our home and reply to phone calls and emails. In trying to do it all I can’t help but feel consumed and drained by doing everything I love, all at the same time.
So yes, I miss my compartments.
I know that God is using this time. I’ve had many conversations with friends who have been forced to hit the pause button and slow down. Families have been given the elusive gift of time as a result of this global pandemic. I’m grateful for all of this. But don’t mistake my admittance that these are challenging times with ingratitude. I can be both thankful and tired.
In my home God is pruning … and teaching and providing and correcting and re-aligning, and I’m very grateful. I’m grateful for the gift of time with my boys and my husband, I’m grateful to be working… do I have moments where I wish all of my worlds were not merged? of course. Do I long for my very comforting compartments? Yes. However, it’s not where we want to be that God works, it’s right where we are.
And… right where I’m at, I need HIM. I need HIM constantly to show me peace in the midst of this new dynamic, to teach me balance in the middle of this loaded life and, to grant me rest in this now, never-ending race, where I don’t get to pass the baton. I’m now required to endure and I’ll do it… but at times, I’m still standing up on the inside.